Wednesday, February 27, 2019

Bone-Numbing Tired

I have had a string of good days lately. No one has been sick. No back to back appointments, no rushing, and we didn't forget any food at the grocery store.

But still in the evening I am worn out. I do a lot. With allergies and our budget, I cook everything at home from scratch, even bread and milk now (we do nut milk). I have been able to heal a lot of my autoimmune problems with food, a fact I am extremely grateful for. But it takes massive work and planning. On top of Reuben and I being dairy and gluten free (and preservative free) and low sugar--my husband is keto. So I usually batch cook keto for him, since he likes a lot of cheese and dairy in things and that helps keep the fat content high for his meals. I make my husband breakfast most days and lunch every day, keep the kids entertained, clean the house, teach Reuben a bit of preschool, keep up with friends and devote myself to studying God's word and muddle over God's will in my life (spoilers: its raising kids).

Today I wanted to spend some time with my husband because we get so little time together. His work hours are crazy this year and on top of that I still am not sleeping through the night (Becky wakes up 3-5 times a night). But I am so tired in the evenings that I struggle to put a sentence together. I also feel like I have nothing to talk to him about besides how tired I am or what the kids did that day. We used to discuss politics, world events, dreams, books, and history, but I honestly don't have the mental prowess to deconstruct an argument, much less form an opinion when I am so out of the loop on current events!

I signed out of Facebook again, pausing my account--or whatever it is called. Facebook and me just don't get along. I have tried twice and each time fall back into really destructive habits, feeling like less of a mother because I don't have "what Sally has" or spending too much time clicking on ads and wanting to buy things. Also, I hate the drama and the arguments. I don't have the mental energy to get angry over social media anymore. I just need to stay off Facebook once and for all. I am a better mother without Facebook. I am a happier and more joy-filled person without Facebook.

But let me get back to the point. I am tired. Short of sleep training Becky (and she isn't ready) I don't know what to do. I try to take time to rest during the day. I am working on balancing out-of-the-house occasions and cultivating long stretches at home. I am creating good boundaries with event invites and I am fully accepting that this season of crazy cooking and small children requires me to stay home as much as possible for my mental health and to promote healthy parenting.

I'm an extrovert learning to love long days at home.

But the next thing I really want to tackle is working some rest into my life. I want to create a atmosphere of repose, a home and a heart of peace and tranquility. Instead as the end of the day draws neigh, I find myself stressed and anxious and worn out. I'm ready for bed at 7pm, usually right as my husband arrives home. After 3pm I am tired all the time and fighting fatigue. I need sleep. But I also need to spend time with my husband and do the dishes, so...tired is the new fun? I don't know. Do all moms go through this?

Wondering. Let me know what your experience is or if you have any tips.