Thursday, November 19, 2015

I'm not the same

Lately something has seemed off. I've felt an itch, an itch that I've tried for so long to ignore. I am not the same person. It might be turning 30, or it might be having a baby, or it might be three years of marriage or a myriad of other things, but I have finally accepted this fact.

I don't fully know myself anymore. I'm not talking about the idea that of course everything is always changing, or the truth that I am a person who will always be becoming (because that is life). I'm talking about something different. Like a switch that has been flipped, only I don't know where or what. I can only see the effects.

The past few weeks I have not felt like blogging. At all. I read my blog today with the sense of déjà vu unrelated to the fact that I did indeed write all these words. It feels like someone else wrote them. Someone I am not anymore. I relate to her in some foggy sense but I am no longer her. The past few weeks even thinking about my blog made me want to do something, anything else.

And that is not me. At least not who I thought I was. I mean, everyone needs breaks. But this does not feel like a break to me. Who knows? I mean, I am not going to try and quantify it, because I am still mucking it out.

But I finally faced the thing that has been bothering me so much this month.

I don't want to blog anymore, and that is okay. It is actually not really that. I do want to blog. Insomuch as I want to feel that feeling I used to feel. Like I remember when I used to dream about blog posts and get excited about putting up pictures and telling my life story, and I mourn the loss of that feeling but I can't make it come back. It's just gone, like my pre-pregnancy waist and I am left puzzling over the remains of whatever I have left.

A few months ago I started wearing makeup. And I like it. (Me! makeup!) And, yesterday I got a job. (A job! Me!) Stay at home wife forever me. It's not a out of the house job, through. I'll be a consultant for Arbonne. I'm excited. You sell arbonne in spa parties, not on the internet so don't worry, I won't spam you. I am not about that.

Six months ago I never would have thought about myself getting a job. But I am happy. I am looking forward to it.

Perhaps that is the next chapter.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll blog again. Just not right now. Who knows? If you want you can still follow me on YouTube here..because I am still in love with vlogging.

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