just thoughts

Do you ever struggle with making decisions? I'm sure everyone does. But lately I feel like life is moving so fast I don't even have time to contemplate the decisions I am making. The kids are growing up quickly. I am in survival mode most of the time and running on instinct. There isn't a lot of time to sit and think and ponder myself and my surroundings and I miss that. Sometimes I wish things would slow down so I could just be at peace within myself for a moment.

But being in this rush-rush of early motherhood does make my foundation and my joy spring forth from Jesus. There isn't anywhere else for me to get energy from--the coffee has been reheated twice and is now again cold, my close friends are all worn toddler moms too; and the little places I used to go for joy (reading books in coffee shops, buying myself a new dress, long conversations with my husband) are unattainable in this season of motherhood. A new dress would not look as I would want on my distended postpartum body. Sitting idle in a coffee shop would be a colossal waste of time that I could better spending knitting; and also tiny humans don't let me sit and theorize over caffeine and baked goods--they like to spill things and climb on chairs. And cause scenes.

I am too tired to even talk to my husband much at night after everyone finally goes to sleep. I just want to sleep at that time. So I do. Usually.

But oh, the joys of motherhood are rich! I know I complain a lot on this blog. When I have time to write, or when time is made for me--it's usually all I can think about. But I am happy. And I just wanted you guys to know that. I am happily being worn out, and I think if wearing out is to be had, this is one of the best ways to do it.

This month will be a full one. Reuben turns three. We are throwing him his first birthday party with his little friends! I'm excited. Also, it will be hot. Very hot.

Becky also turns six months. She gets to try food soon, and learn to sit up--and before you know it I'll be pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen again.

At least, those are the thoughts I am thinking tonight.

knowing your limits

I am constantly being pushed beyond my limits as a mom. Yesterday, for example. Becky didn't sleep. At all. No naps all day and woke up every 2 hours at night. I was a mess and every time she would doze off I would gently try to lay her down only to have her immediately wake up. As the day wore on this became less and less cute. I desperately needed some time to myself and became increasingly irate at my non sleeping child. She also did not want to be separated from me or take a nap. By the end of the day I still had laundry, dishes, and dinner to make--and to boot I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.

So my husband got home and I immediately handed him a baby and completely zoned out for twenty minutes for my mental health.

This is a regular occurrence in our home. The stress of small children wipes me out and that is before I add in running a household, managing my own needs and desires, planning intimacy with my husband (or even, like, trying to talk to him) meal prepping, making time for friends, running errands, helping others...yard work, garden weeding, car cleaning...

I constantly feel exhausted as a mother. I constantly feel my own dreams and needs are rarely able to be addressed as a mother. Sometimes I only feel like a mother.

I love my kids so much it hurts. But I am so tired most of the time. Becky just turned five months today. She's a wiggly, squirmy happy child and she makes me smile. Reuben turns three next month and three is hitting me like a brick wall, but I love his newfound curiosity and individuality.

It's just so hard to need space and not be able to have any. It's hard to want time for myself and not be able to have it most of the time. It's hard when a baby wakes up and interrupts my blog post, which is what is happening right now. Sigh. I should be in bed anyway, it's late and I have to wake up early for church tomorrow, and there is so much to do.

I don't know my own limits anymore, and yet they keep being pushed.

Socks

I finally finished a pair of socks! These came out a little big--I think I will go down a needle size next time. They are made out of 100% wool. I love them! The pattern is from Wendy D.

I am trying to finish all my works in progress before I start anything new. That is my 2018 goal. I have two scarfs and a sweater and a shawl that are all "in progress". I may frog some of them. We will see...