Summer Break Week 4

We had our last karate classes for the term this week! I hope to come back in the fall if I can.

I'm still processing through the miscarriage of another baby I will have to wait to meet until heaven. I was invited to two baby showers this week and the first one I just said no to because I couldn't do it but the second one was a good friend and I was going to go until Esther threw up and I'm not risking the stomach bug around a mom in the third trimester, and she totally understood and was grateful. 

I need to figure out how to deal with this grief. I think maybe planting a flower garden for my little babies in heaven would be a start.

The highlight of the week was giving Esther her first hot dog (we really don't do junk food) and she ate it like this. So cute and she ate the whole thing!

Monday was the day after my miscarriage and hospital stay. I was exhausted after being up in the emergency room until 3am, but I got up and took Reuben to his dentist appointment where he got the next 12 weeks of his Invisalign. He's doing great with it. Then I took him to his PEMF appointment which was an hour. It's helping his breathing!! After all that I went home and took a three hour much needed nap while my kids watched a movie. 

I don't remember the rest of the day.

Anyway, Tuesday I wanted a healing rest day after all the craziness of the weekend. We had a slow breakfast and relax morning, then I decided to do a craft! We did tie dye. 

Crafting is a great distraction from sad life things and also an amazing healing mechanism, creating something new. We stayed home all day, made some pretty things, played video games, hung out together and had our last karate class.

Wednesday we started out by going to Fresh Market to look at their dairy free, vegan options. I ended up finding some yogurt I love, a vegan sour cream and other alpha-gal free items. Unfortunately Fresh Market is pretty expensive so we probably won't go back. I was mainly trying to shop for Becky who definitely has alpha gal just like me. Then we went to Little Givens where I picked up some restful toys for Reuben to use during his PEMF appointments since he has to sit there for an hour. After lunch Grandma came over for three hours of Barton and I did a round of our regular grocery shopping and raw milk pick-up. And we ended by going to the pool where Esther took the cutest summer nap on me. 

Thursday was Charlotte's first day with us. I'll be nannying her through the summer for 6 or 7 weeks. She's 10 so the phrase babysitting doesn't work. It's a long day as her dad drops her off at 7:30am and picks her up at 6 but she's working through it. I told her Thursday was our busy day. We had an PNEF appointment for Reuben at 10:10. I dropped him off and took all the girls to the park where they played for a bit then found some kids that had frogs and that was fascinating. We all trooped home for lunch (turkey sandwiches) after picking up Reuben and then we had Becky's piano class at 2, followed by swimming. A full and very busy day and everyone was exhausted at the end of it.

Friday was today. We were halfway to the creek and then Esther threw up everywhere. I turned around, took her home gave her a bath and veratrum 200 and she fell asleep for over two hours and she hasn't thrown up since. It was crazy. We all had a home day and did puzzles but it was kinda exhausting being home all the time with four kids. I also somehow ate something I shouldn't and am having some alpha gal symptoms and generally annoyed. 

I am hoping for a restful weekend, a healing weekend and a focused weekend.

it wasn't on my summer bucket list

Having a surprise potential ectopic pregnancy and spending the weekend in various states of shock and 6 hours in the ER was not on my summer bucket list.

I am/was pregnant. And I didn't even know it until Saturday when I took a pregnancy test just to confirm I wasn't because we do barrier method prevention and we hadn't had any mistakes but I was concerned because I had been bleeding for more than a week when my cycle is usually only 3-4 days and I knew something was wrong and I thought it was anemia (due to my alpha gal) or perimenopause because I'm 39. And I was only taking a pregnancy test so I would be able to tell the doctor I wasn't pregnant because I knew they would ask. 

It turned positive immediately. 

My HCG was 157.9 when bloodwork was ran Sunday night. This was the number 10 days after the start of my period so it must have been much higher! Which it should be higher since I would have been 6-7 weeks pregnant and that is a reading for 4 weeks. So all along I'd been having a miscarriage and didn't even know it. I was also having quite a bit of lower pain in one spot and a home birth midwife I texted with thought I might have been having a ectopic pregnancy so I went to the ER because there is no where else to go and I'm expecting a 8-10k bill now but, I found out it was not ectopic but that I have a ovarian cyst that might have been causing the pain I was experiencing. 

They said I am probably having a miscarriage but should do a follow up ultrasound as well as a HCG blood draw to confirm. 

I don't even know how to feel. This is terrible. I am sad, but I don't have time to be sad because I have three kids. 

I'm going to pee on a pregnancy test again this weekend to see if it turns positive...if it turns positive slowly I'll know my levels are going down or if it isn't positive at all I"ll know it was a miscarriage. I'd rather do that than go back for traumatizing bloodwork. 

I'm tired, and heartbroken and numb and angry and exhausted and hungry and broke so I can't even go out and get my favorite comfort foods. 

Anyway, I have recently in the last few months just started to think about how to I start to process my 7 miscarriages I've had and how do I move on so I can enjoy a good sexual relationship with my husband, because boy does the thought of having another miscarriage not make me excited about intimacy and I had just thought about how safe it is to use condoms and how much glad I was that this method keeps me safe but still able to enjoy spicy time with hubby... and now this happens! I've had 8 miscarriages now. 

I get it, I have to trust God and I still should be able to enjoy being with my husband but honestly I am ready for him to get a vasectomy. I have maybe 15 more years of fertility I mean some people don't go through menopause until 55--and I know at least for me I am going to be very nervous to jump into bed when this was the result. It isn't worth the risk for me to enjoy a little pleasure when I might have a miscarriage and a 8k hospital bill, but I know my husband also would like to enjoy the perks of marriage so I just feel absolutely torn up about it. 

These are my blood work results from Sunday night. 

I don't even know where to begin healing from this. Or even how to talk about it without bawling my eyes out in person... It feels absolutely embarrassing to have had this many miscarriages and I feel like an idiot. I don't know why I feel this way because of course emotions don't make sense. I'm struggling and it's only Tuesday.

My amazing friend Emily texted me that she would bring me food. I hadn't even told her all this stuff was happening but God put me on her mind which is beautiful. I'm glad God is looking out for me when things get horribly hard...that was the one bright spot on this terrible weekend. She made turkey and roasted sweet potatoes and veggies and gravy and everything was absolutely delicious. 

I would pick this month to read through Job, and that has helped remind me that it can always get worse. I have never prayed so hard for God to not put me through any more trials for the foreseeable future and no, I definitely am not comparing myself to Job and nor do I ever wish to.

I hope next weekend will be much more uneventful.