Summer Break Week 3

Apparently I had a lot of anxiety going into this week and it all came to head on Sunday when I had the worst stress-anxiety attack I have had in a long time. I realized I have been ignoring my health and it's been bad for awhile. I have IBS-C, type two diabetes, chronic fatigue, brain fog...anyway I made myself a doctors appointment this week and it's tomorrow and I'm nervous. I am also grieving because I had a whole month--a whole month--where I had zero IBS-C symptoms. This has never happened to me before. I thought I was cured. I have been devastated that my chronic illness is back and I don't understand what my body is trying to tell me. What am I doing wrong? I must be doing something wrong. What was I doing right last month?? I haven't changed anything!! Why is this happening and how do I get back to three weeks ago when it wasn't happening? Literal tears.

Anyway back to Sunday. Sunday I was trying to deal with normal life (and failing) and I went to church and I volunteered in the snack shack at the pool and I should have just stayed home in bed. 

I decided to stop volunteering at church. I think I need a break. I have been in and out of the nursery and when I have a bad health week, I just can't do it anymore. I can't tell when I am going to have a bad health week so... I decided to simply stop volunteering all around. And that's okay. I messaged the nursery coordinators that I was not going to be volunteering anymore and I haven't even heard back from them which is making me nervous but maybe they don't check their emails often.

I did make it to bed after dinner and I stayed there until Monday came around and washed me with the cleansing waters of a new day and I felt better. This is our vacation week! I shouldn't be moping or mourning. Brian is off, and he made waffles for the kids while I went to hot yoga. After hot yoga we went to visit Cecily (Becky's friend) and it was fun to hang out with another family even if she lives 45 minutes away. I couldn't have gone all the way there without Brian, who drove. Thank you Brian. 

I promptly came home and took a nap until 3pm. It was glorious. After the nap the sun came out so we all ran to the pool for an hour and a half and it was perfection. Brian and I didn't swim but we sat near the kiddy pool and watched Esther splash and watched the big kids dive off the diving board and everyone had a wonderful relaxing time. It was a perfect break between two big storms! We rushed home right before the next one hit at 5.

I had a hard time sleeping that night--either from the coffee I had or because of my long nap, but I woke up at 2am having a alpha gal reaction which I also am not quite sure where it came from. It might be the cupcakes I made. I used a Simple Mill mix that, even though all the ingredients are vegan, says it was processed in a facility that also processes dairy...or it could be because my husband is home and butter is being used around the kitchen by the kids/him... ugh.

I still did yoga Tuesday morning and I am so glad I did. It was so refreshing and wonderful. We did chores in the morning, with piano practice and also math. I am determined to do math at least 5 times this week! Then for fun we went to the mall and had pretzels and bubble tea and let Becky and Esther play at the littles play place and I invited a friend and her husband and it was just, once again, so relaxing. I got to enjoy good chats with friends and watching the kids play.

We came home and everyone is getting ready for karate and I have no idea what's for dinner...

It's Wednesday now, and I made fried rice for dinner last night. Two of my children started getting sick after dinner. Esther woke up every two hours through the night! I need 6 cups of coffee. I only had one...but, still. Poor Esther and Reuben are sick. I have given them some homeopathy last night and this morning and an herb bath each. They have some type of sinus sickness with a mild sore throat, no fever. And today is my doctor's appointment in one hour! I am so thankful for husband who let me sleep in since I was up with the baby (he got up with her twice too...) and he made bagels for breakfast and I emerged from my bed cocoon at 8, did math with Becky and made bone broth for soup for dinner. 

For lunch we had salmon and sweet potatoes and oranges. The plan is after my appointment to take Becky swimming for 1-2 hours, make soup for dinner and an apple crisp for dessert. Oh, and I need to pick up my milk. Hope I can remember all the things---will update after appointment...with hopefully Good Health News, or at least a Plan...

It's 8pm on Wednesday now and I really enjoyed my health consultation. I'm going back for a scan on Friday and I hope it can give me more answers! She also gave me some probiotics that might help repopulate my gut and reduce IBS symptoms.

Esther is still sick and so is poor Reuben...Becky and I had a nice two hours at the pool and then we came home and ate soup. I made two soups--tomato and bean soup and everyone picked their favorite...or the one they were not allergic to, since both the boys are allergic to beans. Poor Reuben and Brian. But bean soup is Becky's favorite and thus bean soup she (and I) had and the boys had their favorite tomato soup. Brian made cheese toasty for everyone but me since I have alpha gal...I didn't get hardly any cleaning done today and everything feels a mess but it was a sick day and we all did great. 

Thursday was another chore day. Brian mowed the lawn and I deep cleaned both bathrooms which was on my bucket list. Everyone was feeling better so we all went swimming for two hours. Becky's pool friend had just arrived when we had to leave and she cried all the way home and promptly started to catch the cold the other two had yesterday...poor Becky. We missed karate but that's okay.

We found a leatherleaf plant at the pool and I want to draw it in my nature notebook. 

I keep messaging friends this week to meet at the pool and everyone is busy. Oh well, maybe I will make a pool friend too.

I'm not ready for my husband to go back to work. This vacation has so far, been a joy which is so awesome. Does this mean I'm a grown up now, that we can get along and have a good time on vacation? Hah! Who knows.

Planning for pool days Saturday and Sunday if everyone is well enough! Next week looms, and I'm not ready.

I took next to no pictures this week...literally have 4 very blurry pool pictures, a picture of a pile of books from when a shelf broke and I had to take them all off, and one picture of a very sick Esther and Reuben on the couch. None of which are shareable... will try better next week! The pick above of cute napping Esther is from summer break week 2. 

I'm going to go draw the leatherleaf plant in my nature notebook. 

Summer Break Week 2

Summer break week two started off great. Monday we had our homeschool evaluations where I was mentally judging myself each time my child said "ummmm" or "I don't remember". But the kids still performed excellently and we received our reviews to send in to the state for another year of homeschooling, which is what I expected but it's always stressful! 

After a lovely time having lunch at the park (the kids found turtles) we traipsed home and did the three hour round of Barton Reading and Spelling Program. 

The day ended with our air conditioner breaking and its suddenly it was 80f in our house. 

Tuesday I woke up grateful for air conditioning. It's working! Brian was able to fix it after he got home from work Monday. He worked on it for two hours or more! So thankful for my hardworking husband who hustles for us. Here is to praying it continues to work all summer.

Tuesday we started math again. No one likes math and that's all I'll say about that.

I'm still in a breakfast slump. What should I make for breakfast? Everyone has a different idea and I have no motivation. I need to figure this out.

We had chicken fried rice for lunch followed by back to back piano lessons. It was 94f and both the older kids were sweltering in the car! (our car has no air con) We got ice cream after the second piano lesson and then headed home for an hour of slip-in-slide in the yard before karate. What did I do while the kids were outside? Googled instant pot recipes, cleaned the house, and prepped dinner, questioned my life choices, had a pity party and ate some banana on toast with peanut butter. You know, normal things.

I just have to mention that earlier, I had tried the dairy free ice cream, and immediately broke out in hives. I need to stay away from trying anything when dairy is served right next to it...sigh.

Then we went to karate and I put myself to bed when we got home. 

Wednesday I declared a rest day. Rest day to me means chores. We did a bunch and I made Mac and cheese, chicken and broccoli for lunch. My brain is soup and I am a potato.  So like a potato I went and read a book on the back porch and it was awesome, and very hot.

It's forecast to rain for the next 5 days, right through the pool opening. I hope the weather is wrong.

Thursday we went to the park again. It was lovely. I was determined to have a day with no screen time and we made it. I knew with the rain coming we would be doing video games and movies in the afternoon most likely... we played Labyrinth and colored and did nature drawings. It was such a great day.

Reuben lost his karate pants for some reason. I helped him look and he couldn't find them anywhere. Obviously they were at karate when we got there--he had dropped them in the parking lot and someone had turned them in. What a day!

When I got home I found this note that Becky had written. She had told me she had made some notes to hand out at karate.

The notes say "will you be my friend" on the top and "I want to be friends with you because I don't have any friends I want you to be my friend" on the bottom.

Anyway, for the past year or two I have been praying hard for some friends for my kids. Their best friends the Kans moved 35 minutes away and they really don't do stuff with us, even when I ask. Different priorities. Becky's other little friend Cecily Canning lives even father away--45 minutes. Everyone else that I know as a friend/acquaintance maybe wants to hang out once a month. People are so busy or maybe everyone just already has friends that they priotitize. One thing I don't really talk about much is just how lonely homeschooling is. I'm trying to find a way to fix that but I can't make people come over, and all I can do is invite them and I have been inviting people! 75% of the time anyone I invite says no. And those who do say yes cancel half the time the morning of my invitation! It's crazy. 

I remember how devastated Becky was when no one came to Esther's birthday party... I know that still has to hurt her somewhere as she still talks about it. I also know it has been a real struggle for me with my chronic illness to make it out to our friends the Kans and the Cannings who live so far away and as they don't come to me (they both homestead) I know Becky has been feeling particularly lonely. But I didn't realize just how lonely. I felt devastated when I read her note. She said she didn't hand any of them out because she felt too shy, which I also felt relieved about. 

Anyway, I encouraged her to talk to the girls in her karate class and try to make friends just by hanging out, and I gave her special hugs when I tucked her in at night. Then cried for about 45 minutes while I cleaned the kitchen. Motherhood is hard, and I want good friends for my kids. Oh her note just hit me to the core! 

It's Friday now and honestly I feel really drained. I started my cycle and it's just been a long week. But it has been a good one even with its challenges. We had a toilet break (the back stopped filling up with water) yesterday and so sharing one bathroom when we are used to having two has been very interesting. I added it to Brian's list of things to fix this week on his vacation...It's been raining on and off since 5pm last night and we had a lovely tea party breakfast today followed by video games for Reuben and a movie for Becky and Esther (they watched Shrek) 

Oh, and I bought a waffle maker and I hope it helps the kids enjoy breakfast a little more.

We went grocery shopping and spent way too much money. I felt sad that Kroger changed all their pricing to dynamic pricing. I stood in the isle and watched some prices actually go up in one section--and just wanted to leave. I don't recognize the world I live in any more. Electronic shelf labels are wrong. Food is already so expensive why do you need the option to change the price every five minutes? Is nothing sacred?! 

The world is changing so fast. Is this what it's like to get old? Seriously, what is happening to our economy. Inflation is insane. 

I'd rather live with Anne of Green Gables and play with Diana at the The Lake of Shining Waters than live another moment in our reality with AI and digital price updates, angry democrats and republicans, and corrupt politicians. As Anne would say, everything in this world just has no scope for the imagination.

The pool opens tomorrow and the high is 60f and it's supposed to rain all day. I just have to laugh. 

Summer is coming! We will make it to the pool. Just not tomorrow. And probably not next week. 

But we will have happy beautiful warm days sometime and the sun will come out eventually. God is good. It's everyone else here that isn't (including my own sinful self) and I need to learn like Anne (and Pollyanna) to widen my imagination and find beauty in the pain and play the glad game. 

Here is to next week, which will be our week of Daddy's vacation. The one that we planned to spend all day at the pool at...God had other plans because the weather is rain every day and temperatures barely in the mid 70s! 

Budget May 8 - May 22

Our budget keeps being abysmal. I know I only have myself to blame (and my husband) as we are the primary users of the budget. 

I think the problem is nuanced. Of course I think the problem is nuanced because I don't want to just blame myself. Inflation is sky high and my husband isn't going to get a raise this year of any significance. I shop and make decisions on whims without checking the budget sometimes which is definitely not a good idea. We are doing a lot of dyslexia tutoring and we have high line items like piano lessons and karate. Groceries and gas are also expensive. 

We need to make some serious changes to our budget (and ourselves) because debt is not an option. Neither is running out of money after 4 days which is what happened this pay period. It always stresses me out not to have at least a little wiggle room in the budget! 

These are all choices we have to make. 

Here is what we spent for May 8-22nd with a budget of 2,400.

May 8-15th

• Barton Box 4 and 5 $700
• iCloud $10
• Homeschool books $45
• Krogers $400
• Health Nut $50
• Tithe
• Subset $31
• Amazon $374
• Poshmark $211
• Homeschool Evaluations $80

Above we spent 1,952 which left 448 for the next week. And we had our electric bill to pay so I had to pull our 250 that we saved last week which was a real bummer. Obviously I over spent at Amazon and I overspent at Poshmark. 

What did we buy on Amazon?

• These pants for Becky
• These shirts for Reuben 
• A Tie Dye kit. (can you guess what we are doing with the pants/shirts?)
• Dishcloths 
• Frog Hand Towels 
• Lavender Hand Towels
• A bra
• Toothbrush Holder
• Shoe Heel Protectors
• Film
• Beach Bag
• Four movies: Infinity Train, OTGW, Ponyo, E&C
• Marco Polo Picture Book
• Goggles 
• Copy Paper
• Cardstock 
• Wood burning kit

After looking over this list I obviously didn't need 3/4th of this stuff and it's super random. I need to stay off Amazon... 

I did need a new bra, I did need the heel protectors, and the school book for next year on Marco Polo...but I could have gotten the copy paper from Walmart and saved $1...actually the Amazon copy paper is terrible I will not be buying it again. Even the kids don't like it. The kids loved the Infinity Train movie but they hated E&C and didn't even finish it. I could have kept going thrifting to look for things to tie dye. We went 4 times and I only found stuff for me and Esther... so I decided to buy the older kids a few things since they wanted to do it too! 

The list above tells me I did a lot of not looking at my budget and just adding things to the Amazon cart on a whim and thinking "50-75$ here and there won't matter," but yeah it does matter if you do it 4-5 times! 

Step one to fixing our budget: stay off Amazon! And Poshmark! 

Here is what we spent the second week with a budget of $698.

May 15 -22

• YouTube Premium $23
• Electric Bill $234
• Yoga Membership $95
• Farmers Market $60
• Chick-Fil-A $25
• Ice Cream $11
• Gas $30
• Aldi $8
• Krogers $15
• HD $38

That was $539...

Next week we will start over again again and hopefully make better choices! I only can laugh. Yes, its super embarrassing to post this but I hope from here on out we can change and move on from the little bit of spurge buying we participated in this last fortnight...

Here is to next week. I'm going to make fried rice for lunch. 

Summer Break Week 1

The first week of summer break was very relaxing and full. 

I deep cleaned our bedroom, dining room and kitchen! I went through my clothes and made my 10 item spring wardrobe that I love. And we tried a new craft--wood burning. We also went and visited Our Fathers Farm for their farm day and Reuben had his first piano performance. 

We did a lot of resting.

I realized all our hand towels were missing (where did they go?) and I ordered new hand drying towels for the downstairs bathroom. Yes, this counts as a milestone. I'm almost forty.

The pool opens this weekend! 

I did the normal existential crisis of who am I when I'm not homeschooling? What am I going to do with myself? And I'll be happy to leave that part of summer break behind as we head into week two...I am an artist, a writer, someone who loves to knit and crochet but even I have bad days. I do not need to watch 75 tiny videos a day... no matter what my dopamine receptors say. Out with the screen time and mindless scrolling! We will have an ordered and beautiful summer outdoors and there will be delicious snacks, books and board games.

The kids did a lot of jewelry making while I cooked this week. I wanted to do some too but couldn't find the time! We also did two days of karate and went to Cecily's birthday party...that I posted about earlier.

It was such a beautiful week. I am so blessed, and God is so good. Thanking him for homeschooling breaks and for warm weather, for sun tea and lemonade and chocolate cake and good books.

And ice cream. It's 90 today and we just finished Barton lessons with grandma and I'm about to do an Amazon return and it's right next to the ice cream shop.

Some Motherhood Thoughts About Food

I'm so tired of the meal-eating problem we have in our house. No matter what meal it is, there is usually one child that doesn't like it and won't eat it. Well, I say won't but they usually do eventually because hunger is a great motivator. Today for breakfast I made bagels with butter because we are out of cream cheese. Two of us had guacamole bagels and two of us had just plain butter--I put kimchi on my guacamole bagel, it was delicious. Anyway, one of my children turned up his nose at the bagel. Yesterday it was a different child who didn't like pancakes, of all things.

I will say that the reactions we have around food are so much better then they were 3-4 years ago when there were tears and not just angst at the dinner table. So maybe I should be grateful and not frazzled. 

I'm trying to teach my children that we eat for our bodies, not for entertainment. It is a hard lesson even for me to learn. This morning everyone seems to have eaten their breakfast bagel...at least I don't see any sitting around. 

We have a rule in our house where you are allowed to say once "Mom (or dad) I really don't like _______ and I request it not be added to a weekly rotation." And that's it. I don't want to hear it's yucky, I don't want to hear how much you don't like it and how disappointed you are or how tired you are or how you wish you were eating _______. And definitely no crying over food. 

My rule is if you don't like it, you don't have to eat it, and that's the end of it. My children are welcome to skip meals if they wish, I simply don't want to hear a rant about how unhappy they are over broccoli or meat sauce or crispy apples for thirty minutes while I try to enjoy my food.

This rule is great but when people are tired or generally overstimulated they forget and suddenly I'm listening to a deluge of whines as if I didn't just cook and clean for the last 45 minutes. 

I also want to teach the idea that food and themselves are not at odds. It's not a battle. Eating is a choice and eating nourishes your body. One of my children was quite picky (see the previous last 3-4 years of my life) and just now has blossomed into a child who will eat almost everything as long as they aren't in a bad mood or emotionally distressed, for the most part. This was a very slow uphill revelation that I have prayed about for many years. I'm glad that all my children now can eat healthy food and I hope they grow up to teach their children how to nourish and love their bodies with broccoli and noodles and olive oil and  occasional ice cream. 

As for how this transformation took place it has been a slow alpine climb of introducing trigger foods and regulating my own stress so as not to negatively react (which causes said child to react with strong opposition) and it's half of just letting them be and also mirroring a healthy attachment to foods myself. I have hopefully shown all my children how to enjoy all the food groups. We have also read two health books together. One is How To Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of Your Doctor and the other is Journey Back to Health. We also in the first 18 months of this journey did allow this child to make a substitution for their meal if they really hated it. Then we slowly eased this out. We started gently encouraging them to eat what they liked out of the meal--for example, all the carrots in curry or all the potatoes from the soup. 

We did not do any punishments or incentives to get them to eat. In the beginning I did try this and it backfired drastically, making mommy or daddy the bad guy who wouldn't let a movie be watched or ice cream be had because a meal wasn't eaten. Everyone gets ice cream when we choose to have it no matter how much, or how little, has been consumed. 

so little....this was years ago!

Anyway, I am not sure how much I actually did that helped and how much has just been growth, but here we are with children that eat almost everything but still have ideas about what they would like to be eating. It's a struggle. 

As for me, I have been beside myself to find interesting breakfasts. I could literally eat the same thing for breakfast every day. A bagel with something (hummus? guacamole? avocado? eggs?) on top with either sauerkraut or kimchi. The kids are not interested in conveyer belt breakfast. I also really want to add veggies to our mornings but I can't figure out how. American breakfasts are often devoid of vegetables. I know in my head it's perfectly fine to eat salad or leftovers or whatever for any meal of the day but my habits recoil at lunch for a morning meal. It just feels weird.

I need to reinvent breakfast at my house and next week I plan to do just that. I'm thinking of adding in yogurt bowls with fruit (and maybe granola) and trying a rice bowl with beans for those who can have them and roasted veggies for all. Salsa and sour cream? I also want to try to create a quiche that everyone will eat. I feel like I really could "hide" veggies in that. 

What are some other easy/fun breakfasts? I need ideas. 

Yesterday was rough

Yesterday was rough, but it was totally my fault. Sort of. Half of it? I don't know.

Anyway, we had double piano lessons I thought, but the second one ended up being canceled because the teacher was sick. Which usually I would be ecstatic about but this time we had a birthday party invitation. And everything was linear and suddenly with the cancelation, it wasn't. The birthday parrty was near Altavista (47 minutes from my home) and so I didn't want to go home for thirty minutes and leave again... so we went to target and window shopped. If I went home I'd be driving 15 minutes away from the birthday party...seemed unproductive. Target it was!

We bought nothing. 

Window shopping made me tired and then we still had 30 minutes to drive. Which is fine, Esther slept the whole time. And the birthday party was wonderful. The weather was perfect, the birthday girl was glorious and all the party guests played together wonderfully and I got to chat with other moms which is my kind of party. The kids cups were filled and they didn't want to leave at 4:30 but we had karate at 5:30 and we were 47 minutes away and suddenly I felt a little skeptical about the long drive.

5 minutes into our drive Becky started crying she was itchy. Becky is allergic to grass. Why she chooses to roll around in it when she is allergic to it, I'll never understand. There was a lot of grass. And goats. I don't homestead at all but I can appreciate a good goat when I see one. 

I am also allergic to grass. No thank you to the rolling in my allergy. But I'm not eight and hanging out with my best friends... 

Well, when Becky started crying from The Itchy, then Esther started crying because she was thirsty and Reuben, trying to hand her the water bottle, mishandled it (he said I went over a bump. We were on back roads, of course I was going over bumps) and suddenly emptied it all over the car. 

So now I have 40 more minutes of driving with one itchy eight year old and a thirsty (wet?) hot toddler and also no air conditioning. Why I do this to myself I don't know. Oh, friends are great and I love them but driving long distances with crabby kids is zero fun. 

We skipped karate and drove home and threw everyone through showers and checked for ticks then I made bagels for dinner and put myself to bed like the potato I am. It was wonderful. And also irritating. 

I thought I wouldn't have to leave the house today but we do have to pick up our raw milk and Becky has a wonderful group piano class so here we go! Tomorrow I will be a potato and stay home all day. Or maybe we will go to the park.

Motherhood and parenting with toddlers and in-betweens really keeps me on my toes. I'm so glad we are done with school for this week! Oh the break and the weather has been wonderful. Esther's been watching Kiki's Delivery Service on repeat this week and we've been reading all sorts of books in family time and most of the chores are getting done and I cleaned and decluttered our bedroom and its just wonderful. If only no one would cry for extended periods of time while I'm driving, that would be great. 

It just goes to show you that we can't have it all, and that's okay. 

Ranting about how much things cost

On a whim about 3 weeks ago I signed up (my kids) for karate. They love it. I love that they love it! The studio said it was $99 a kid when I signed up--for 8 weeks--which was perfect! And then there was a $50 per kid karate uniform fee which was hard but we did it. 

Now to keep going it would be $225 a month. They do either family plans, or individual plans and don't have any other options. And there is some equipment they need which is $165 one-time fee per kid. For the last week I have been agonizing over it. The kids love it. They want to keep going.

But I'm pretty sure we can't afford it. 

I don't know what karate usually costs. Is this $225 a month normal? To me it seems exorbitant. If it was per 8 weeks, we could definitely do it. That would mean it was only a $25 price hike from the introduction fee...why is the introduction fee so low compared to the regular price? Am I being nit-picky or is this indeed a lot of money? $225 for 12 classes in 4 weeks, 45 minutes a class. When I say it that way it sounds okay, but when I say $225 a month it doesn't sound okay. 

Becky wants to sign up for ballet (only $85 per month) and it is her turn to pick the extracurricular this term--we rotate, last term was Reuben and he picked swimming. Then we didn't have anything because we had a baby, but we've done ballet before with Becky and Reuben back when they both wanted to do it, and Reuben had a year of football. Reuben is not interested in ballet anymore, or football...but Reuben really needs exercise in his life. I've noticed his stamina has increased in terms of running, leaping, playing and he's worn out less...he's sleeping better, and seems to be able to regulate himself better with this addition of consistent exercise.

I was thinking when I signed up, now that Esther is bigger we would be able to do both ballet and karate and while physically I am able, (which is a consideration due to my chronic illness), financially I'm trying to figure out how to afford it. 

I want to give these karate classes to my children! The exercise and camaraderie of the class has been a perfect fit for our homeschool. The class meets three times a week--Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.  It's in the evenings which I thought I would hate but actually I quite like it. The gym is close to our house and it hasn't been hard to make it on time. I make dinner before we go, and besides Esther sometimes getting tired, it's been awesome. 

None of this changes the fact that I don't know how we can afford it. Maybe if we quit doing piano, but the kids have been doing that for a long time. I have been running the numbers over and over and how can we add 225 gym membership? We have my hot yoga gym for $95 a month already and Brian has a YMCA membership (just him) for $55 a month. That would be $375 a month for all those gyms...

I was thinking of quitting saving money. The 250 we put into savings each pay period would work well to put towards karate but we do sometimes need that money and we really should start saving up for another vehicle as ours is very old and will likely die in 3 or 4 years...so taking from savings is not an option. Saving a little bit every month is necessary. HOWEVER when we hit our savings threshold that will be an option! Right now I have $500 saved and I want to save 6k. If we continue saving $500 a month then by next year we should be able to have that money for karate, which answers the question with just a "not now, later" solution. 

I thought about canceling my own gym membership, but I need my gym. It has helped my diabetes so much and helped me with weight loss and feeling good. So I can't cut that out. I love yoga. And that would only give me $95 a month towards karate anyway.

The only things I think we could cancel from our budget would be the trash pick up ($32 a month) and our Amazon Prime ($15 a month) I don't have prime, but my husband does and I have asked him every month to cancel it and every month he says he forgets...he told me this week he would finally cancel it. Oh, and we could also cancel our YouTube premium family membership that is $25 a month. I have that because most of the ads that play on Youtube are entirely inappropriate for my kids to see. For example I get bra ads because I'm a lady but I don't want my 10 year old son to see that, seriously.  

I don't think anything else in our budget is removable.

Maybe I am doing too much. Music lessons and karate AND ballet? What am I thinking? Am I trying to live a classy lifestyle here when I should be more astute about our financial limitations? 

Karate is more expensive than piano, but piano is once a week for 30 minutes and karate is 3 classes a week for 45 minutes. So of course it's going to cost more.

I feel like a ball of frustration. What should I do? Try to cram it in? Skip it and try it again next year? Sign Reuben up only ($175 a month) so he can do that and Becky does ballet? 

I'm running all the options, and praying about it. We have until the second week of June to make a decision.  

Why is everything so expensive nowadays? 

I think the answer to my question is that I need to make some serious life adjustments. The math is not mathing anymore with the current inflation and the fact that I have three growing children. I think that is what I am the most upset over. We already cut out so much. And I've given up things I never thought I'd compromise on (like organic food). We don't eat out anymore. We shop used 75 percent of the time and that needs to change to 100 percent. Can't find it? Live without it. That will be my new motto.

We need to seriously sit down and make some adjustments because the world is changing and we have to go right along with it. No one can stand against the flow of a mighty river, and inflation is a tsunami. I don't want to change though! I want to have enough to do what I think is best for my family, and in the year 2019 and 2020 we had that freedom and now we don't. In 2019 I spent around 400 a month on groceries. I had two toddlers. Every season I bought myself a few new clothes from places like Everlane and Pact Organic. 

Humans always think life is getting better, but in middle school I learned about entropy and now at 39 I am learning it applies to real life, too.

I still don't know what I'm going to do about karate.

But summer break is here and I'm drinking tea from my favorite mug and God is with me. He is the true water that quenches thirst, and I will trust in him. 

Esther Turns 3

I can't believe that my little girl is three. The last three years have been a whirlwind! She is wonderful. I love her smiles and cuddles every morning. I love her spunk and enthusiasm. Esther, you are amazing and I can't wait to spend another year being your mama. 

Esther's favorite book is anything by Boyton. Currently she loves Red Hat Green Hat. Her favorite movie is either Totoro or Ponyo and her hobbies include coloring, jumping on the trampoline and drawing lots of round, funny faces all over her notebooks. She loves grapes and yogurt and strawberries, and she hates having her hair brushed and wearing shoes.

Welcome to three, Esther Rose!

Also, it was so fun to make your birthday cake. Love you lots! Here is to many many more memories I hope to have with you before you move out and become a princess artist who also goes to space. 

Budget April 25 - May 8 2026

I'm sitting here trying to make the numbers work for this month and kicking myself for my poor planning. We usually plan so much better and have running line items but sometimes I get lazy and here we are starting all over again. By that I mean we didn't have any savings saved up for the large bills that were due this month and it's totally our fault. 

Our budget for these two weeks was $2,300. We also want to save 6k in a emergency fund--we need to fund back some of the money we have spent in the last few months that I have taken out of savings as well as I want an extra 2k buffer. But things are more expensive than ever. Being diligent in prayer and thinking before we spend is going to be a must going forward...

April 25th - May 2

• Karate Uniforms $100
• Walmart $95
• Trash Pick up $32
• Panda Express $54
• Water Bill $63
• Brian Supplements $45
• Transfer to Savings $250
• Home Depo $62
• Kroger $235
• Sourdough Bread (Farmers Market) $10
• Gas $82
• Farmers Market Chicken (thigh pack/ breast pack) $39
• Carolynn Supplements $45

That brings this week to $1,112, leaving 1,188 for next week. 

May 2 - May 8th

We got a credit from azure (they charged us twice last month) of $200. My dad also sent me a check for $100 and let me tell you these two things saved my budget from going negative. Our total for this week's budget with those added is 1,488.

• Becky's Triannual Piano payment $485
• Pandora $13
• Brian's Phone $35
• Internet $20
• YMCA $55
• Natural Hope Tea $29
• Azure $501
• Becky's fall dance sign up fee $15
• Tap Roots 23
• Vitamin $76
• Amazon $151
• Kroger $18

That brings our spending to $1,421 which leaves $67 in our bank account until we get paid this coming Friday. It was a close one. 

Prayer really works guys. I was praying this morning driving to the gym seeing how we were going to get by and that was the day the check from my dad showed up! God is good and he's working out little miracles all around us.

Savings Balance: $250

We Made It

We made it! One more week (and maybe a few days more for Eldest Child) of school left. I feel a relief of the ages. Summer is just a week away (if I can cram all Reuben's readings into five days) and I am so excited. 

I'm already making summer plans. Week one, wood burning. Week two, jewelry making. Week three, modeling clay. Week four, paper sloyd. Week five, book binding. Let's do all the things. I want to scrub my kitchen and read books and tie dye. Week six, tie dying? Maybe some gardening. I might just throw the gardening out the window and try again next year. I'm going to table that decision until school is over and see if my apathy is related to the load of education or if I generally don't care about growing vegetables this year.

I mean, my budget cares about growing vegetables but...do I?

We are reading Anne of Green Gables. I forgot how absolutely amazing this book is. Everyone loves it. Except for Esther who is now three and sometimes gets tired of mommy reading. She will tell me to stop because "I am giving her a tummy ache." She's being serious and I wonder if she understands why I can't stop laughing as she says this.

We just got to Anne going to Sunday school... I love how honest Anne is. I think I'd find her Sunday school boring too. 

I have been kinda lonely lately. Life comes in bursts and stages and with us having to leave our Monday co-op (we left in January) due to it being too far drive and also due to dyslexia therapy...it's been hard. Then our Thursday co-op, which only meets twice a month, is ending next year. Well, it isn't ending so much as changing--they are going to do one field trip a month and I just know we are not in the season to do a big trip every month. Also, I was thinking of not doing it anyway because we meet once in town and once about 30-40 minutes away and it's been too much--especially with no air conditioning in the car. SO we have only been going once a month anyway when it's close to us and I just feel out of the loop and continually behind. The leaders of the co-op choose to have very little structure, which is fine if that is what they want (they had another leader last year who has taken a break who was very structured and I loved it!) but it causes me anxiety when locations/plans get changed last minute. It's a totally me thing but it's also something I take into account when making decisions. 

Anyway, these changes mean suddenly we have no co-op and the kids only see their friends at church, which even for my introvert Becky is not enough. And for my extrovert self and Eldest Son...it is debilitating. We need to find a new friend group or some new friends for my kids. I am at a loss of what to do and praying about it. And no, the friends in our co-op do not come to my house and when I try to invite them places they do not come. Many of the ladies have teens and they either live too far away or are in different seasons. A few of them homestead too and no one has any time to make play dates a priority. A lot of them have family that lives locally and it looks like they have full, abundant lives. Brian is an only child (his brother died at as teenager) and thus my kids have no cousins, and we don't have large family parties or reunions to invite my kids too. It just is what it is and I'm not complaining but... I can't create family structure from nothing. 

I just feel like this season of homeschooling is one of isolation and despair, and I'm praying I can find someone, anyone, who wants to hang out more than once a month! My kids would love some friends. I would love a friend who has more availability than once a month 3 weeks from now!  

Case in point...I invited three families to come to Esther's birthday party. She wanted all her little friends from church to come...and none came. One didn't even bother to respond, another said they had been to three little hungry caterpillar birthdays before and wasn't interested, and another canceled at the last moment because she was too overwhelmed. I get that people have different priorities and things come up and life is hard but it is also tragic that no one was able to show up to celebrate Esther's birthday. It made me sad. It made Becky sad, she spent all morning decorating and setting the table and seeing both her and Reuben hang out by the front door waiting for guests to arrive hurt my poor little mama heart. 

Today one of the moms said at church that they just needed a day at home...so sorry they couldn't make it. 

Esther was fine, she's three, she had her favorite sister and brother there and she had a great time. After an hour and a half at home waiting for people to show up we just went to the park and let the kids play. We handed out the party favors (8 sets of butterfly wings) to little girls at the park (you know, so that...after eating all the hungry caterpillar food you too could be a beautiful butterfly) and seeing all the kids flitting around with wings was beautiful.

And I've decided not to be resentful at my friends who didn't show up. I never know what someone is going through unless they communicate. But I hope I can find some friends who will show up for me and my kids and will let me show up for them.

Oh, I have 600 more thoughts but the kids want to play a board game so...heading off downstairs to participate in Exploding Kittens, the board game.