This is part of my novel, "What Losing You Did to Me". To start at the beginning, click here. Right now a new section of my book posts every week.
Clouds in my head. Like a symphony, like an orchestra of bees. Whispering, waving, not quite one thing but not another.
When I close my eyes they are there. Obscuring, covering. Thwarting my thoughts, muddling my magie, slowing me down.
They were there when I was in the hospital last year. The year I had a meltdown, or so they tell me. All I can remember is that everything was gray. Gray walls, gray bedspread. Slightly less gray hallways. And the dimmed lights, dimmed like the whispers of grandfather and my parents whose hushed, soft voices drifted from beyond my cloud cocoon to toss me with their guttural syllables.
I remember a hand, a dry hand, and another voice. One I know belongs to a girl. A girl named Wveinia. Wvei. Why does the sound of her voice fill me with sadness? Why does the sound of her voice and her caress make me feel so empty? She's wrong, I know she's wrong but I don't know how to say so.
They say my magie caused a meltdown. They say it's okay, its okay to be confused. It's okay that I can't remember. It's okay that everything is weird and strange and twisted.
But it really isn't okay.
A few days later I left the gray room with it's perpetual rotation of nurses and family. The sun hurt my eyes. My sister was strange and cold. The food was tasteless. My family seemed both attentive and yet very aloof. Time passed.
And then it was like one day I just woke up again. I remember the hour. It was warm and Wvei was going to come over because it had been two months since our engagement. And I remember feeling...happy. And then I remember feeling surprised. All that evening before she came over I sat in my room and just felt.
And it was good. I could feel again. I could smile again. I could breathe again.
The clouds had lifted.
I was alive again.
It seemed from that point on life started to woosh past with amazing clarity. I could remember bits and pieces of college, bits and pieces of coming back to my hometown. But never the whole thing. Oh, my life before college was crystal clear. The accident seemed to have damaged only my most recent memories.
After awhile it stopped bothering me. You learn to cope, my doctor tells me. And I have. Everyone says I'm back to my old self now, even if I still feel a bit odd now and then.
Mother is very excited about the wedding. Today it's only three weeks away. I still think it's too soon, but grandfather assures me I just have cold feet. It just feels like everything is happening so fast. Perhaps after everything will slow down again.
That is the main reason I started this diary. For one, I don't want to forget anything, ever again. I didn't like feeling like an alien in my own skin. And another--it just feels important. I guess because sometimes when I'm home I feel like I'm drowning. Mother and Father love me very much, I know, but they can be very controlling. And Wvia is a nice girl, but I know she is hiding something from me. And I have so much work to do with school and students that I never have time to think about it at all. I need a place to think. Half a blank sheet of paper seems like a great place to do that.
Not to mention that Mai gets out of rehab next week. I don't even know how to feel about that. Or the scandal it created in the papers. Or the fact that she had to drop out of school. I guess it will be over soon, since she only has two more months, then I suppose she can forget about it. I don't know, I don't understand.
And I still can't think of what to say to her. She told so many lies.
Click here for the next part.